Two Dumb Fairy Tales

I'm impressed at Disney's way of twisting previously dumb fairy tales and turning them into fantasticly animated movies with wonderful stories. However, they didn't cover ALL fairy tales. There were many more that were so stupid that they could not possibly be tweaked to be made into children's films. Or even adult films. Retold by me, these two fairy tales were chosen as the dumbest of the stories. Throw the popcorn out and grab some breadcrumbs, Hansels and Gretels.

Warning! Rated PG for some blood and killing. I'll keep this as mild as possible, but just be aware. I did not write this. No bad words or anything.

1. Faithful John. (I found this fairy tale in the book "Grimm's Fairy Tales," from 1973 by Crown Publishers, Inc.)

Once upon a time, there was a dying king (what a wonderful way to start our story, by ending a king's life! Shrek the Third, anyone?) The king sent for Faithful John, his best servent. The king said to Faithful John that he would only die a peaceful death if he knew his son would be cared for. Of course Faithful John said yes, he would care for the prince.

The king told Faithful John to lead the prince throughout the castle to show him what fortunes he would inherit. But Faithful John must not show the prince this specific room, which has a picture of the Princess of the Golden Palace. How this picture of another princess got to this castle, or why its there, we will never learn. The king tells Faithful John not to let the prince see the picture because he will fall instantly in love with her. Because, in fiction-land, everyone is straight, and only see women for their beauty. It's never mentioned how old the princess is, how old the prince is right now, or what kind of picture this is (Later, we learn they are old enough to get married. And there's a picture on page 24, so they are both teenagers/in their 20s and Faithful John has a beard and plays a harp.)

The king says, if the prince saw this picture, he would fall in love with the princess and go through great danger to see her. While I keep my mouth shut about theories of real reasons why the king wouldn't want them to marry (cough*unknown relatives*cough) Faithful John says yes, he will do everything he can to make sure the prince does not see the picture.

Unfortunately, this promise is not kept. Days after mourning, Faithful John showed Prince Jacob (the book now calls him King, not to be confused with the one that passed away, so I'm calling him "Prince Jacob.") around the castle. Prince Jacob notices Faithful John keeps passing this one door. (All the while, Faithful John is probably muttering something about why Dad-King neglected to mention that the forbidden door is noticably in the middle of the palace.) Faithful John tried to use scare tactics, but Prince Jacob said that he would not be able to rest peacefully until the door was opened.

Not-so-Faithful-John opened the door and let Prince Jacob see the picture. Prince Jacob faints, and I skip minor details of Prince Jacob and Faithful John discussing boring things. Faithful John and Prince Jacob dress as merchants and sail to the land with the Golden Palace. When they get there, the princess (who was sent for by her maid) stepped inside the palace to see the beautiful treasures. Somehow, they were able to move the ship again without the princess noticing (I heard ships back then moved around a lot, so either Princess is not the brightest of the Unnamed Princesses, or this was a magical ship that was lifted by God himself and moved very, very slowly.)

After literally hours of staring at gold stuff (it actually says hours in the book!) Princess tries to step off the ship but notices that she was tricked. Prince Jacob and Faithful John reveal themselves, and the Prince Jacob "woos" her by telling her that he has seen her painting and fell in love with her. She doesn't question the painting, so she knows about that apparently. She also decides that she has warmed up to him enough to marry Prince Jacob (a little fast to decide that, don't you think? Then again, it's either marry the guy that trapped you in a boat, or jump off the ship.)

As if this day couldn't get weirder, Faithful John plays his harp and spots three ravens who are talking to eachother. He (I assume) stopped playing his harp and listened to what the ravens has to say. Somehow he can hear them despite that they are probably really high in the sky.

"When they arrive" one says. "A horse will stand before Prince Jacob, and when Prince Jacob gets on his back, the horse will ride off and the couple will never meet again." (I named the princess Princess Jane now.)

"But if someone else.... (part taken out, this is too violent. It involves death)... the horse, then Prince Jacob will be saved."

"But if they survive that horse, Prince Jacob will pick up (a wedding shirt? I don't know what "bride-shirt in a dish" means.) and die in a way really too gruesome for a children's story. This can only be interrupted if another person picks up the shirt with gloves on and burns it."

"And when the wedding dance begins, Princess Jane will pass out. Again, this can only be saved by another person, who will take three drops of blood from her arm. (It was originally some other body part, but "arm" is more child-friendly.) But whoever saves the couple three times will be turned from head to stone."

• Hey, are you still reading this? Really? I'm getting really tired from writing this awful story, and I'm skipping a ton of parts for you! So if you're still here, thank you, and please leave a comment or something so I know I didn't write this for nothing! Thanks again!

Faithful John, too faithful for his own good, decided to do all three of those things. He made the horse go away, he burned the wedding shirt with gloves on, and he took the three drops of blood from her arm. Prince Jacob was convinced he was crazy, and sentenced him to death. Right before the sentence was carried, Faithful John told Prince Jacob about the ravens and the irony that now he'll be turned into stone.

This is where the story takes a REALLY AWFUL TURN OF EVENTS! So awful I had to CAPITALIZE THE STATEMENT TO SHOW YOU! AM I GIVING YOU A HEADACHE WITH THIS EXXAGERATION?! WELL, ARE YOU AWAKE NOW?! GOOD! I WILL CONTINUE!!!!


Years later, after having twin sons, Dad Jacob runs into Faithful John's stone. It speaks to him. Seriously. And it says "If you...(details ommited)... your sons heads and...(details ommited)... I will come back to life."

NonFaithful Jacob decides to kill his sons. And Faithful John comes to life. Faithful John says "You have done well. You shall not go unrewarded." And Jacob's sons go back to life and "keep playing as if nothing ever happened" (page 30. Yes, really. This is what it says in the book.) The end.

So remember kids; if you want a girlfriend, tell her you're rich and trick her into getting on a boat! If you start seeing talking ravens, of course there's nothing wrong with you! You should do everything they say, whether it leads to a horse's death or your own! And if your friend died, but you have kids, and your friend comes back from the dead and says to kill your sons, do it! You will have everyone alive, not the complete opposite! And if you're the lady watching all of this, by all means marry the crazy loon and have children with him! This is the lifestyle that you will need!

(I know I said I would put two fairy tales up, but this one wore me out. Tommorow, maybe.)

Lauren Myracle "TTYL"

I recently read Lauren Myracle's book TTYL. No wait, that's a lie. I read it last week. But it was so good, I just had to read it again. :)

I've read other books by Lauren Myracle called "The Winnie Series." These books (titled Eleven, Twelve, Thirteen, and Thirteen Plus One) follow Winnie's life as she transitions from preteen to a teenager. Why am I bringing up these books? Well, the last book (Thirteen Plus One) wrapped up just about every plot in the series, so it's to be assumed this is the last book in the Winnie Series. :(



But TTYL is like a continuation of the Winnie Series! It's true! Winnie, who is based on the author Lauren Myracle, would be Angel. Dinah, Winnie's shy friend, would be Zoe. And Cinnamon, Dinah and Winnie's risk-taking friend, would be Maddie. If you've read a later Winnie book and TTYL, reread TTYL. There are references and hints that these are the same characters. :)



On Amazon.com, many people (and by people I mean control-freak mothers and their control-freak teenage daughters) who think this book should be banned for it's language. Banning books is not a practice I approve. I feel that the language of this book is not an issue. I happen to read books with swearing (though this one tops all others in that category) but I do not swear online or to my friends. Most kids I know who swear are the ones whose parents made it a big deal. So if your kid is yelling $#*^ all the time, don't blame the book. It's almost as immature as the swearing. /:/



The moral of the story is that some people are not trustworthy. If you see the signs, don't ignore them to keep a positive view of the person. They show this message with the plot that all three girls have bad judgement with their people. Angela has a hard time noticing when her boyfriend is interested in someone else, Maddie starts trusting Jana (the popular girl) and Zoe starts flirting with a teacher. I was happy with the Zoe plot, at first, because I knew Lauren Myracle would teach kids exactly what to do when you're in a relationship with a pedofile. :D



But, [[SOMEWHAT-SPOILER ALERT]] I was wrong. The girls decided that they couldn't tell Zoe's parents, since they would freak out (NO DUH!) I won't reveal Zoe's last date with the teacher, but I will say the two other girls ruined any romantic moment they might have had to save Zoe. While I like that they helped Zoe, I would have preferred that they told the parents. It is mentioned in the beginning that this teacher flirts with other students, so just because he and Zoe are over as a couple doesn't mean he won't go after other students. 8(

Other than the Zoe ending, I did enjoy this story. It's very funny, very interesting, and worth your time. TTYL (lame joke!)